It's not what you know, it's who you know. Or is it the other way? - Either way, I'm screwed.
I like to wake up at the crack of noon, eat a pound of cheese, then take a nap.
Please do not drink a two dimensional cup of coffee at home. I am a trained professional.
Don't run with the scissors, unless you really need to trim something bad.
A baker's dozen and a remote control. That's the way I live my life, baby, balls to the wall.
I always like to be accessible to the litte people.
I'm so caught up on my beauty rest, you probably thought I was Paris Hilton.
Hey, I'll be the first to admit it. There have been times when I wasn't pushing the envelope.
Never trim your nose hair with a Weed Whacker. Trust me, I've been there.
When I'm mad, I'm really mad. And when I'm really mad, I feel sleepy.
I'm just like Brad Pitt, only different.
The early bird gets the worm. But then again, who wants it?
My job is so secret, I don't even know what I do.
A box of donuts or a diamond? There's something to be said for quantity over quality.
I think I'll write a book, How to be spontaneous in 864 easy steps.
I get my best sleep during that four hours right after the alarm goes off.
I got Snoop Doggy Dogg mud flaps on the back of my '63 Dodge Dart. Back off!
The words "security guard" is derived from the Latin term, securitus guardicus, or, slow metabolism.
I'm on a strict diet. I eat absolutely nothing with tentacles. Okay, maybe a few tentacles.
I drink my coffee strong and black with plenty of cream and sugar. I guess you might say I'm a bad ass.
No matter how much you love your appliances, never French kiss your toaster.
I am afraid of nothing, except that which can cause me harm or discomfort.
I am a man with an easy smile, a heart of gold, and a stomach packed full of Spam.
I can, with ease, point to the location of most restrooms
I don't golf, yet I have full and unlimited access to a golf cart.
I am feared by shoplifters, and respected by janitors.
My mind is like a fire extinguisher, I only use it in cases of extreme emergency.
I know the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and the constant itching of hemorrhoids.
I can walk into any mall in the country, and within hours, find my way out again.
I look good in a blue uniform, black shiny shoes, and never complain even though my underwear is four sizes too small.
I have been known to stop and smell the roses, admire the tulips, then eat the poison ivy and become violently ill.
I can see if a door is locked simply by pulling on it while jiggling the handle.
After I remove all my clothes, I can easily count to twenty-one.